"For every problem, being lovefull is Your Souls Solution"
Our souls greatest intention is for us to live as our love. Our Souls Solution is, therefore, to bring us back into the love of our soul. Every 'problem' is actually an opportunity for us to bring another part of ourselves back into the love of our soul. All problems derive, in one form or another, from our relationships, whether from our relationships with others, or from our relationship with our Self.
The relationship we have with our Self, with our perception of our Self, with how we see and underStand our Self, naturally colours all our other relationships. Finding the most lovefull solution means that you seek to see and receive the gifts of love for you always present in any situation, and that you seek to see and acknowledge your own non-lovefull behaviour in any situation. The more you are willing to open up and expand your awareness to that of your soul, the more you are able to see the stepping stones to becoming the lovefull solution, your Souls Solution. You become the solution, you become the lovefull solution, you are now your Souls Solution.
My endeavour is to guide a reader onto the stepping stones through their 'problem', into the healing answers of their Souls Solution:
What do I do about a Mother-in-law who is always playing for Top Dog position. She's always as nice as pie to me in front of anyone. But when we are together (with or without the children), she's always implying that my methods of child rearing (my husband and I have two sons of 6 and 9) are either misguided , or she says that I'm being unintentionally cruel to my children!
She also joined the PTA without even asking me - I found out when I saw her at the last meeting. All she said was 'Oh I've joined, I hope you don't mind'. I was speechless with shock.
I also get the strong feeling that she's putting down me and my mothering abilities to my husband. She tells him that she's just worried about the children. Whenever I try to express my concerns, he dismisses it all and just goes on about his Mother doing charity work, so therefore she's a wonderful person etc. I'm at my wits end and seem to swing between feeling really quite depressed and feeling really angry. Please help. Janice
Ouch! This is probably a bit like being pricked with a pin a thousand times all over. Each wound is not quite big enough to make you want to 'really stir up a fuss', and yet the cumulative effect is very unpleasant for you, particularly when your partner is not willing to support you.
Support is the key word. The gift of love, your soul's solution, that you are being offered here by the universe (of which you are a very important part, remember), is that of supporting yourself. The idea being that when you are able to fully support yourself, then you will not need to seek support from others, and thus then they will be more able to be open to you and encouraging (supportive) of you. Because if they (Mother in law and partner) were supportive of you now, you would not have this opportunity to understand and realise your support for yourself.
So try and see this as an opportunity for YOU to experience more love for and within you. This will help you to take the focus off your MIL and husband and bring it back to where it belongs, namely to you.
Firstly really reflect on what's OK for you and what isn't as regards your MIL, and what kind of relationship you would like to forge with her, for the benefit of you, your children and your husband. You might find it very helpful to write it all out, this will give you some clarity and help you to identify behaviour patterns, (yours and hers). Putting this on paper also performs the very valuable function of getting it all out of your head, which will alleviate the swirling emotional, non-lovefull experiences your body is having.
Then invite her around for a cup of tea and ask her about her experience with her MIL. When people feel the need to make a 'power grab' in other peoples relationships, it's usually an attempt (albeit a non-lovefull one) to make a 'correction' to their own experience of such a relationship.
It also feels as if your MIL has a less than satisfactory relationship with her husband, hence her need to 'control' her son, rather than being able to show him what it is to be a Man. Teaching our sons the manly virtues is not just the job of the father. A boy's relationship with his mother gives him his primary experience in how to interact with, in how to relate to women. It is very usual for parents who feel 'powerless' in their adult relationships to attempt to get their power back by exerting inappropriate influence over their children and so fail to show their children how to be powerful within themselves.
It is very usual for parents who feel 'powerless' in their adult relationships to attempt to get their power back by exerting inappropriate influence over their children and so fail to show their children how to be powerful within themselves.
Really listen to her as she opens up about her experiences - if you are truly willing to hear her (without judgement of course), she will be able to drop her aggressive defence pose. And then acknowledge the love that her Son and Grandsons have for her and that she has for them, and that because of this love you would dearly like her wisdom and experience to be used for the benefit of you all.
And then explain how you would like that to work - eg re the PTA, you can ask her if she would be willing to step in for you, if you or your husband were unable to attend a particular meeting. If she refuses to receive your gracious reminder of lovefull behaviour, and says something like, 'I'm already a member of the PTA', you can gently and firmly state that, as she is not the parent, it is of course not true, and is inappropriate. And then get up and leave the room whilst offering her another cup of tea etc. (And when you come back in, talk about something else, tell her something about one of her grandchildren's amazing exploits for example).
This removal of your presence, gives your MIL some space in which to decide how or who she wants to be. To accept your gracious offer in the reasserting of your power and position, or to remain in her passive aggressive power grab pose. If she chooses the latter. simply repeat your sentence about how you want the PTA representation to work. Don't embellish, don't explain, don't justify. You are the parent, you take charge. Keep repeating your 'magic' sentence: 'As I said would you be willing to.......', until she realises that you will not be drawn into a battle for power with her.
When she makes snide remarks about your mothering abilities, take a breath, and ask her, in a gentle and interested manner (as if to receive a pearl of wisdom), to explain what she means. Listen to her, which means that your mind, your energy is free of judgement or ridicule. And then simply tell her why you are doing this in the way that you are. Remember you are not justifying yourself, you are simply giving her the benefit of your pearls of wisdom.
Now you can say to her that the children have expressed their confusion about being told one thing by their Mother, and sometimes having it contradicted by their Grandmother, and that you, of course, as their Mother, have reassured them that their Grandmother doesn't mean to contradict their Mother, and not to worry about it. And if you haven't already done this with your children, then perhaps you would like to, so that their probable confusion and discomfort will be allayed. Children are very smart about ongoing power struggles, and about who is being lovefull and who is just out for control, and by witnessing your handling of this situation you are giving them a very precious gift of showing them how to respond to situations in the most powerful way for them, in other words, in the most lovefull way for them.
Remember, in the part of her that knows everything, your MIL knows that her behaviour is non-lovefull. A part of her is looking to you, is 'asking' you to remind her, to show her the lovefull way of being. Once she gets that you are now taking charge as the Mother (charge, not control), and she observes your consistency in this, she will begin to stop fighting for control, because you are simply not letting her have it any more. Others can only take our power if we allow it (this truth is another gift of love that is being offered to you).
Remember too, that when people behave to you in a non-lovefull manner, they are asking (albeit unconsciously) for you to help them, by your being lovefull, so as to help them remember how to be lovefull. And every time this happens, and you take the opportunity to be lovefull, you are giving to yourself an experience of love, of the love that you are, of the love that everyone else is. Another gift of love for you!
With regard to your husband; when you're having a relaxed time together, you can simply state that you would find it lovefull of him if, whenever his mother passes criticism, that he simply state how happy and proud he is of the job you are doing as a Mother, as a wife and as a friend. And you can tell him that this is how you respond in similar circumstances - and if you haven't been doing this then you need to ask yourself why not? And then ask him if he'd like another cup of tea, glass of wine etc, and leave him to his own reflections. In other words let him bring up the subject or respond to your statement when he's ready to look at it. Your Soul's Solution is to simply state, to ask for what you want of another. You will either be given this or not. A huge amount of unnecessary angst, would be avoided if we avoided nagging, moaning, complaining, cajoling and instead simply a) asked for what we would like, and then b) leave the other person completely free to give this to us or not.
Another gift of love for you is the glorious opportunity for you to come to peace with yourself as a Mother. A part of what your MIL is giving you an opportunity to notice is, that of your own feelings about yourself as a Mother. So look at those. Reflect on what kind of a Mother you want to be. And stick to that and let the rest alone. Eg You may thoroughly enjoy art and design but feel secretly 'bad', because you are not encouraging the boys in sport or music or maths or whatever. You might be really brilliant at being open and affectionate and a bit rubbish about wanting to show them how to cook, 'cause it's such a performance and so messy etc. So, really enjoy doing art and design with them, really enjoy being affectionate with them, and let your partner, MIL, teacher, friend do and show them the other things you are perhaps berating yourself for not wanting, for not being able, to do with them.
Your children 'chose' you as their Mother because of your gifts, strengths, talents. They do not expect, need or want you to be anything more or less than that. All they want is for you to be you.
Your children 'chose' you as their Mother because of your gifts, strengths, talents. They do not expect, need or want you to be anything more or less than that. All they want is for you to be you. That's what they came here for. So as you reflect on that you will see and understand more and more that what is important is that which is lovefull. And as you demonstrate more and more your lovefullness, you will naturally become more and more powerful, increasingly aware of how being lovefull, of how being your Soul's Solution is a win win for everyone.
And please know that your boys are very lucky to have a Mother so committed to do her best by them.
In Summary, the four healing questions to ask of your Self, your Stepping Stones to Your Souls Solution are:
Step 1. Ask, 'What is at the core of this problem?' (Define the problem.)
Step 2. Ask, 'What is my part in this?'
Step 3. Ask, 'What do I, as my soul, desire to experience?'
Step 4. Ask, 'What are the way(s) in which I can put my soul's desire(s) into action?'
The healing nature of these Stepping Stones will be expanded upon in the subsequent issues. If you would like me to answer with Soul Solutions for a problem you are experiencing please send details via the Contact page. (And let me know if you would prefer not to have your real name published.)
Please know that by requesting a Souls Solution you are giving me your permission to connect with your energy, this is how I 'see' your souls solution. Connecting with your energy means that my energy conjoins yours for a little while, in much the same way as when I connect with another's energy to 'send' them healing.
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With much love,
Written by Kim Hutchison, Tuesday June 23rd, 2015